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What my eating disorder is/was to me.
A way to quiet the chaos inside, to numb the feelings and thoughts.
To separate myself from things when it's too much to handle.
It's the only thing there for me, when there is no one who can understand, who can see my pain.
It's a way to show the pain even though it's unacceptable to others.
By their denial, their disgust of it, feels they are denying me and disgusted by me..
Which in turn, can trigger me more trigger my own feelings of disgust and hatred for myself.
To make the pain real, to make it known..when no one can see it inside of me.
There is no way to explain what an eating disorder truly does to a person.
It's a best friend, and an enemy.
Always threatening to take away your sense of safety..control..always feeding you lies..to fuel it more.
It makes you feel worthless, yet so strong you have accomplished something, when you've failed at everything else.
You are something, even if you are dying..Even though, all you want, is really, to LIVE.
But like I said, it's also your friend. It never leaves your side. it's the only thing truly rooting for you.
It's there when you are alone and afraid or sad when you have no one to talk to when there is nothing else in the world to
comfort you..
You can be thin, yet see yourself as a normal weight, or overweight.
I try to see the lies, but I don't always.
I believe it is the only thing I have/had in this world, that and the self-injury. They are real..they are there, in an instant..
They make the swirling in my head stop. they quiet down the noise they can make the pain stop (sometimes).
So when nothing else feels real..they can help bring me back just a little bit.
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